His mercy endures forever…

So when you have someone pass….you think of the usual reactions.  Grief, sadness, regret, but also hope that the person if they gave their lives to Christ are not in pain anymore.  Sort of a mixed bag that likes to open up on it’s own…like excruciatingly slowly.  But I’ve been dealing with a couple of emotions I wasn’t expecting…

The first, thankfully, is hope.  Hope that I can do better.  Hope that things are going to turn out ok.  Hope that the pain is eventually going to become not as piercing, though it will always be there in some respect.  And I guess in a way that helps us to not forget…

The second one caught me by surprise.  Guilt.  I was expecting it in regards to things I could have done or not done, said or not said, ect.  But I wasn’t expecting a guilt of being…well alive.  Dad was honestly healthier than I was when he was first diagnosed.  It feels unfair that I – 330lbs, pre-diabetic, unmotivated – should have outlasted my daddy.

Heck I’m crying.   Ah well, type through the tears I guess.

The third has come very recently.  Fear, but a very specific kind of fear.  The fear of getting cancer.  The fear of, in essence, dying before my mom and making her go through the pain of losing a family member again.  I prayed that God would let me not do that to her, and I know that it’s gonna be ok but like I can’t help feel like I hold the key to either helping mom  get better or sink her into despair.  More guilt I guess but that’s besides the point.  Fear of cancer.

I know very specifically that my father’s side has a history of cancer, and after a few appointments I’m learning more and more possible markers that I may be susceptible to.  My brain, in an attempt to calm myself down. starts to analyze what tests and cancer screenings I need to take in order to keep up. But also while I do this, my head starts to feel a bit light.  My eyes get heavy too – as I tend to get sleepy when I’m emotionally high strung.

I guess the point is that….whenever I think that I am “ok” something else happens to sorta snap me into the reality of what is really going on.  And I’m so glad I have Jesus Christ for when I am ok and when I am not ok, which is pretty all the time but I don’t see it.  More and more as I get older, possibly even “wiser”, I realize how much I need Jesus.  His mercy, His grace, His comfort, are really the only reasons I can do anything.  If it were up to me in my self I’d pretty much be in a ball somewhere in a mental institution.  But I’m not.  And no disrespect to those who are, you gotta do what lets you be well.

And I suppose this is the fourth emotion that I wasn’t expecting, literally til this very second.  Gratitude.  Christ died for me, I have hope.  He gave me my daddy to help me in the times before I had meds to be able to graduate college.  He gave me my mom, and gave mom me, so that we wouldn’t be alone after daddy died.  He had me go through my mental illness to be able to help daddy when he had troubles toward the end of his time here on earth.  He got me fired like two weeks before daddy got diagnosed, so that I could spend an entire year and a half taking care of him.  And I would not change day of that for how much it hurt.

Anyway, I ramble.  I guess the long and the short of it is this…

 

Psalms 136:1 – Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.

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Father’s Day

I never think Fathers Day is going to make me emotional until it happens. Truthfully I miss my daddy today. I cried. Still crying. But I know he’s with Jesus.

Hearty handshakes to those missing their dads today too. I know it’s a lot of us now…

God gave me a good dad. He wasn’t perfect, he never had to be. I was able to learn so much from him while he was here…

I don’t know what I’m trying to say but yeah.

Time passing, in comic form!

ow

Hehe.  I’m lazeh.

comics

And I did! http://artsiestephlife.webcomic.ws/

How do pose

Still working on it.  Slowly…

Before and after date

I love my dates with Shayne when I get to dress up.  But then I also….like being loafy.

I have quesitons

First viewing of Detective Pikachu was a bit fast for me.  Both me and mom had to process a bit afterward.

nana feeds you

We had an impromptu trip to Nana’s house, and she made so much foooooooooooooood.  It was awesome.

change

Nothing big, nothing horrible, just…life.

Thinking about the future

I know I have a tendency to do either nothing, or worry way too much. That also goes with my thought process about future events and what will happen to me or my family. It doesn’t help that Dad is gone, so it sort of compounds things a little bit too. Heck even Pastor Don is gone, so that’s another part of it… I have to remember not to look at them as gone, but back home with Jesus where they’re supposed to be. But unfortunately for us on earth, we can’t really ask them for advice anymore.

I guess in a sense that means Mom is the new head of the household. Christ is still head over us, but I wonder how He changes the dynamic…

Mom is the breadwinner now, and we’ve chosen to have me go back to school in the fall so that I can hopefully get a better job afterwards whether it be at SRP or somewhere else. And I never really thought about the fact that she’s the only one making money right now, and if something happened to her then we’d have no financial stability whatsoever. That is terrifying. Now I know what dad meant when he used to say that the thing that kept him going was a fear of starvation. I kinda get what he meant now. We are not in any kind of financial straits whatsoever, but the fear and nervousness of the “what if” scenario of that is definitely there. And I kind of wonder sometimes if I should give up going to class and just get another job so that I can help mom immediately… But I know that with the classes I’m taking it’s going to have a long-term benefit. I just have to trust God with the sort of up in the air feeling that I have.

Is this what you real adults have to do every day? It’s kind of exhausting.

Life goes on

Welp as usual, time continues.

Me and mom are still on the house hunt, while hanging out and watching Marvel movies and whatnot.  And I’m super geeky so like…yeah.

ant man

I broke our couch which was interesting.  I really thought I would be destroyed on sight but mom was like “Nah it’s cool, they’ll fix it.” And they did!

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And it was siblings day!  So yaaaaay! Shoot I wonder if I should have put pictures of my brother-in-law in there now…. Hm…

siiblingggs

And of course, lovely anime moments featuring me and Shayne! ♥

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Teachable

Just a lead in question…how do we instill a sense of humility in people? How do we teach our children, and ourselves for that matter, to be TEACHABLE?

I know the final answer is seeking Christ. It’s not something we can teach ourselves. I just know that’s what I want to be: humble. Teachable.

Letting your parent be human

You can kind of tell that I’m a tad bit emotional at this time, but I will try my best to be honest without diving into the complain train.  I will admit I am making so many waving hand gestures as I write this.

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I have to deal with the fact that my father is human.  Does that make any sense?  He has been having battles with unbelief in his faith he says, and when I or my mother try to tell him that he’s ok, he says that we often have been putting him on a pedestal.  I imagine that a lot of people do that during their lives on this earth if they have a father or mother or spouse that play big roles in their lives.

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They’re your daddy.  They’re your mommy.  They showed you what love meant, and you unconsciously shape a lot of your relationships and interactions with others based on them.  God gave them you, and God gave you them.  Over time the relationship changes, and you become and adult and your own person, and they go back to being their own people.  But they never stop being your parent and you never stop being their child.

When I became dad’s caregiver that kind of…changed.

At first I tried to take on a bunch of things.  Probably out of sheer panic.  I was like: “Ok I’m gonna do the laundry, I’m gonna clean the house every week, I’m gonna, make lists of things I am gonna do and keep focused!” 

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Are there caregivers out there laughing?  I feel like you’re laughing.

Then I slowly started to get into a rhythm of what needed to be done, then things changed.  Then I’d have a mild existential crisis, then new rhythm.  Rinse and repeat.  And when I had more time with dad, had more responsibilities, I felt almost more like a mom.  Which is totally self righteous now that I think about it.  I even had the audacity to think I knew better for dad than mom did.

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Then came the “I’m doing well enough” stage.  I was cooking, cleaning, doing things, while mom was at work.  I think part of me even kinda resented mom a little bit for “how little she was doing” in regards to his care in the long run.  Those were lingering little thoughts and notions that I had to combat all the time, but good grief do I ask God to forgive me for ever having them.  I always hate correction anyway, so when mom would try to do things differently than I had when I did them the same EVERY single day, I got a little frustrated at times.  And as I needed to do less and less, I fell back on old habits of laziness.

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Sadly I still have lingering tidbits of that.  It was like…..the fewer responsibilities I had to do, the more I felt like I was myself again.  Like I was just a daughter again.  Not a caregiver, not responsible for someone else’s life, just….me.  The only issue was….daddy wasn’t the same anymore.  And I think that is the biggest, most heartbreaking thing about this.

Part of me wants the old Mark back.

The critical Mark.  The sarcastic Mark.  The Mark that spoke in movie quotes all the time.  The Mark that liked to go to all kinds of different places.  The Mark that would go with us to family breakfasts on Saturday and lunches on Sunday.  The one who liked cars and watching Big Bang Theory and laughing.  Laughing a lot.  Part of me wants him to wake up one morning, have him reset to his mind and attitude a year ago and go “wow that was weird, hey let’s go to the movies!”  The hardest thing is I don’t want him to be my patient anymore.  I want him to be my dad, and I wanna be a little kid with him again.

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But that’s part of the romanticism of that notion, and obviously me regressing in age would by no means be possible or at all fun.  But the thing is that he’s not “still in there” or “never coming back” or whatever they’d say in the movies. He’s still here.  He’s still my daddy.  And I thank God every day that I still have him.  But it’s getting hard.  And it’s getting hard for him I think to act as “a daddy” and instead to act like a real person who is having struggles, pain, and fear. Ugh, man I’m crying as I type this quite honestly.

Anyhow.

New therapies are adding things to his plate he didn’t have before, and as his child I may not be fully equipped to know what to do.  But God is good, and is helping every step of the way.  And all I know is I’m hugging my dad as soon as he comes in that door today.

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Back to obligatory update post!

OK, so besides having to talk about my possible depression I have actually had a lot of great things happen this year so far!

I have a boyfriend now!

He is an adorable southern gentleman and I love him, his name is Shayne and we’re both complete nerds and it’s amazing. He’s very high energy like I am but then at the same time she pushes me to be a better version of myself which is unlike other relationships that I’ve had so I am very happy.

Unfortunately I did have to quit my job in the help desk department. I was so stressed and so under qualified that I had to quit because it was causing me actual health problems from the stress. So currently I am unemployed though I am making quite a bit more artwork and doing a lot more fun stuff with that artwork.

Like pie! Ironically I learned about a lot of new art programs that are free and open source because I accidentally lost the serial number of one of my other programs, so I somehow made a free upgrade to a program I like more and it’s amazing! I am made the pie with Krita and also…

3D artwork!! Crazy right? Also free on Sculptris!! I have been learning so many new things and it is been amazing. Speaking of learning…

One of the possible jobs that I’ve been looking at requires you to be an intern first at the entry level, and so that might mean that I will be taking some more college courses at my local community college to be able to qualify for that internship! That would be awesome amazing and that is the company that both my mother and my father have worked it and I know for a fact it’s stellar so here’s hoping. Plus I’d be learning graphic design things so that’ll help in general anyway.

What else…..OH! We went to the renaissance festival and I got a Kalimba!