So it’s been a really hard few days.
Dad’s tumor marker went up, which basically could mean that the chemo dad has been using for 15 cycles is starting to sorta wane. I haven’t really been letting myself think of that, the alternatives to his getting better, but my immediate family all are starting to see that. Or at least we’re trying to come to terms with even the thought of it.
God can heal daddy. There is no question of that. It’s just, will He?
Sadly I know that a lot of these questions can sometimes, with me, stem from my feelings mentally/physically at the time. Not that those things change the situation, but it’s more that I’m able to cope a bit better when I feel better. At the moment, I am feeling sick since I ate way too many Reese’s mini cups.
Which brings another scenario into play that has been happening this week.
I seem to be using a lot of coping mechanisms right now, since dad had a big bout of turmoil over a decision that I won’t go into. Seeing him hurt, makes me hurt the most. Therefore, that’s when I tend to seem to go into “make yourself feel better” mode. That includes a bit of stress eating, a lot of drawing, and pretty much all hours modding on discord.
I had a big emotional….I don’t want to say purge but more of a release this morning, so that’s really helped. As in God helped me to sorta get out stuff that I don’t know how to get out on my own. I asked Him to help me to let go of stuff that I’ve been holding onto, and I just started crying. Which is good. Sadly I’m a person that subconsciously stuffs things that bother me way down, and I try to deal with them as best I can, but it seems like sometimes the emotions just get squirreled away without my meaning to. Then they kinda….splash out.
And the thing is too, I’ll own up to it, I could be PMSing a bit. That always makes it worse. But still. Hard stuff. I mean at one point I literally felt like my head was gonna blow up because of all the emotional stuff going on.
Anyway. God is good and He helps me through all this. And is going to keep helping me. Despite of myself. Which is the best news I’ve ever heard of.