His mercy endures forever…

So when you have someone pass….you think of the usual reactions.  Grief, sadness, regret, but also hope that the person if they gave their lives to Christ are not in pain anymore.  Sort of a mixed bag that likes to open up on it’s own…like excruciatingly slowly.  But I’ve been dealing with a couple of emotions I wasn’t expecting…

The first, thankfully, is hope.  Hope that I can do better.  Hope that things are going to turn out ok.  Hope that the pain is eventually going to become not as piercing, though it will always be there in some respect.  And I guess in a way that helps us to not forget…

The second one caught me by surprise.  Guilt.  I was expecting it in regards to things I could have done or not done, said or not said, ect.  But I wasn’t expecting a guilt of being…well alive.  Dad was honestly healthier than I was when he was first diagnosed.  It feels unfair that I – 330lbs, pre-diabetic, unmotivated – should have outlasted my daddy.

Heck I’m crying.   Ah well, type through the tears I guess.

The third has come very recently.  Fear, but a very specific kind of fear.  The fear of getting cancer.  The fear of, in essence, dying before my mom and making her go through the pain of losing a family member again.  I prayed that God would let me not do that to her, and I know that it’s gonna be ok but like I can’t help feel like I hold the key to either helping mom  get better or sink her into despair.  More guilt I guess but that’s besides the point.  Fear of cancer.

I know very specifically that my father’s side has a history of cancer, and after a few appointments I’m learning more and more possible markers that I may be susceptible to.  My brain, in an attempt to calm myself down. starts to analyze what tests and cancer screenings I need to take in order to keep up. But also while I do this, my head starts to feel a bit light.  My eyes get heavy too – as I tend to get sleepy when I’m emotionally high strung.

I guess the point is that….whenever I think that I am “ok” something else happens to sorta snap me into the reality of what is really going on.  And I’m so glad I have Jesus Christ for when I am ok and when I am not ok, which is pretty all the time but I don’t see it.  More and more as I get older, possibly even “wiser”, I realize how much I need Jesus.  His mercy, His grace, His comfort, are really the only reasons I can do anything.  If it were up to me in my self I’d pretty much be in a ball somewhere in a mental institution.  But I’m not.  And no disrespect to those who are, you gotta do what lets you be well.

And I suppose this is the fourth emotion that I wasn’t expecting, literally til this very second.  Gratitude.  Christ died for me, I have hope.  He gave me my daddy to help me in the times before I had meds to be able to graduate college.  He gave me my mom, and gave mom me, so that we wouldn’t be alone after daddy died.  He had me go through my mental illness to be able to help daddy when he had troubles toward the end of his time here on earth.  He got me fired like two weeks before daddy got diagnosed, so that I could spend an entire year and a half taking care of him.  And I would not change day of that for how much it hurt.

Anyway, I ramble.  I guess the long and the short of it is this…

 

Psalms 136:1 – Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.

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MY MOM IS AWESOME

I honestly was not expecting that… We’re gonna see that in a while. Really excited!

Had a full full week

Welp we had a very fun time last week! There was lots of activity, lots of good food, and lots of walking in the heat. So I’m pretty sore haha.

Here are a few little highlights.

I can honestly say I was a little concerned as others often are when getting together with lots of people for long periods, having to deal with each other when feeling uncomfortable, tired, and sweaty. But I am happy to report that there were no major issues, no big snaps, and just a good time all around.

Both mom and I have been a bit exhausted and constantly napping while trying to still be productive, and mom is way better at that than me.

Remembering your parent was also your parent

I remember a long time ago I did a little muse about how we as kids had to slowly learn that our parents were human. They weren’t infallible or perfect, they had issues and challenges just like we all do. Yet in that revelation also comes a balance of remembering that they indeed are still our parents.

As a child we find it easier to think our parents in terms of absolutes, either positive or negative. As teenagers that vernier tends to fade or get worse. Then as adults we start seeing them more as a human.

That tends to be my stage at 28 years still at home. I never forget that mom is my mother in the traditional sense, but sometimes I feel myself being preoccupied with the little details that are involved with living another person. They like to watch this TV show, they forget to do that, they remind me of that, I’m good at this, they’re good at that, ect. I thank God though that He humbles me from time to time in reminding me of all that Mom has done for me. As a person and as a parent.

Tapering off benzodiazepines, worried about withdrawal symptoms…

Yeah… basically I’m going off my anxiety meds that I currently take onto ones that are not habit forming or addictive. Very happy about that, but my body isn’t so much.

I noticed that I’m much more easily panicked and frightened, sometimes for no reason. This makes doing anything a bit more…difficult. Or it seems more difficult I guess. Lots of worry that I didn’t have before, lots of fears and “what if’s” that were more silent in my head trying to come to the forefront. It’s silly to me though that it happens because of chemicals in my brain and not so much me…anyway.

Please pray that God helps me stay stable while I’m tapering off.

Not as many comics, but lots of fun?

My anxiety has been a bit higher than usual so I haven’t been on the computer as much, more on my phone, but I still have been doing bunches of doodles.  Including these!

LONELY

My phone is way more pushy about me getting a man than any relative.

Stuff I remember as a kid

Just felt like going through some childhood memories (which happened to involve injuries for some reason??)

Socially unhealthy

This is definitely one thing that I would not have thought to be a problem in my life ever. I have my mom, I have my friends online, I have a real life best friend that I get to see every so often…. why does it feel like it’s not enough?

Sadly I think part of that feeling is because of my not having a job or school, and also not praying as much as I should so not really feeling like I get a lot of quality one-on-one time with anybody. For some reason even just being in a crowd of people and hearing other peoples conversations is enough for me, but I never go out. Yeah idea of going out for the sake of going out to me is kind of silly, or at least it was…

I may have to start doing like other people do and just go out and maybe hang out at the mall or go to a Starbucks coffee and just kind of people watch. Get out of the house somehow… I sound like someone having to deal with losing their job or getting fired or retired…

I feel like I’m getting things happening all out of order. I haven’t even had a job yet, yet I am in that state of doing nothing so that I feel like a retiree and tomorrow probably having some of the same emotional struggles. I had to take care of my dad and have him pass away, which many other people don’t have to have that happen or anything like that until much later in their life sometimes even in their 60s or 50s. I am also 300 some pounds so I’m probably dealing with some of the same issues of energy and medical issues as someone much older than myself.

It’s not that it’s not fair or anything, I just feel like sometimes I’m going about life wrong. Well not exactly wrong but… This is it how it was supposed to happen I guess…

I guess that something that I had to unpack… The sort of disappointment and hopefully not but maybe a little resentment that God let stuff happen like the way it has with my mental health and dad and right now… Jesus forgive me if I have any kind of resentment towards You at all… I know it works for my good but it’s hard to see when you’re in the valleys…And Jesus forgive me for complaining… I have a wonderful life I just don’t know how to balance anything yet…

Funny perks to having OCD

It seems like I am always lamenting about my obsessive compulsive or trying to figure out how to deal with it and live with it, but why not have a little fun with it too? Every personality quirk has upsides so here are some of mine.

  • If trying to remember something, sometimes all I have to do is the same action or have the same stimuli that happened during that event. Then boom I’m there.
  • When I quote a movie I almost always try to also mimic the verbal phrasing and emphasis. Sometimes even with the same timing.
  • I always have a list of things that need doing ready when a trip happens

Can’t think of any others but maybe that just means I haven’t had to deal with it long enough to find out.

The blame game

One thing that happens when a person passes away is that a lot of blame can be thrown around for reasons that the person had to go. Sadly that happens whether you were a believer or not, and I find myself dealing with it as well.

I find that it’s easier to blame someone won something bad happens, it makes it so that it makes sense in our heads. And often times that sense of blame turns itself inward. For me unfortunately this is also the case I think. And it’s weird because talking about it almost gives me a slight sense of panic, like I am trying to unearthed something that I at the same time don’t want to have to admit.

I’ve told so many people and comforted so many others saying that it wasn’t their fault that daddy died, it was cancer and it happens. God has a reason for it and we may or may not ever know. It’s very easy to tell someone else that, but it’s almost like your brain uses it as a way to mask the fact that you have that same feeling of guilt inside you as well.

For me it has to do with the fact that I have leaned on my mother and father so much during my life, that part of me wonders if God took daddy away because I was relying on him too much and not enough on God. And I’m sure many of you reading this or going “of course that’s not it sweetie.” Part of me knows that, but part of me also can’t really seem to reason away that feeling. I’m trying to deal with it or at least admit that I have it in a sort of passive way, and pray that God would forgive me for feeling like daddy dying is my fault somehow. I can imagine every child feels that at some level, especially young ones.

But yeah, grief is a much more complicated of a thing to unpack than I initially thought I guess. It’s only been a year or so, so I imagine more and more things are going to eventually uncoil themselves from inside my emotions and I’ll be able to deal with them….

One step at a time.

Always makin them comics

Because that seems to be the main way I’m willing to share my thoughts/feelings at this point.

sketch books

I am not “precious” about my sketchbooks.

Emotion meter

For some reason I seem to show my emotional upheaval still via fashion.

houses

House hunting is still happening.  Eh.

Stuff at nanas

We also had Nana hang out this weekend!

HONK

Also online dating…again…?  Ugh.