Daddy would have been 58 today…

It’s funny. I didn’t really get sad or upset about it until I just typed the title. I know he’s with Jesus. I know it’s the best birthday ever for him in heaven but….does he miss us? I’m sure he’s happy to see family he hasn’t seen before or missed….it’s just….yeah.

I probably won’t be really sad til tomorrow like I was on the day after Father’s Day. But for now I’m ok. My neck strain is more my focus right now.

Ow.

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So life has been busy, hard, but good!

So it’s just me and mama now, and at times things have been trying for her given some of my…um….deficiencies.

Despite this I feel like me and mom are starting to sort of relax a bit more from all the stress of daddy’s condition….

But also, I’ve been at my new job a whole month now!! It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone by. We sell epic software that works with CorelDRAW, and makes noobs like me able to make stuff like this.

I still wanna shirt of this.

I feel kinda like I’m finally becoming an “adult” with this job. My parents both working at desk jobs, I was more than ecstatic to be given my own space. And decorate it with geek things!!

All of my coworkers are so funny and good natured, I honestly love it.

Hmmm what else…..?

Oh! I restarted Pokémon go again. I love it and I love the RPGness of it.

Also I was able to make this little poster of me and Blainy. Yay

Father’s Day will be difficult

It already is. I found myself getting jealous and mad, sad and upset, all in the last hour.

I have a Heavenly Father now, but I miss my earth daddy. I feel..left out. Like it’s very apparent now that I’m “missing” a piece of my life that was so important to me.

I know it will pass, I know I’m being selfish…but I have to say that it’s how I’m feeling and I need to try and deal with it as healthily as possible.

First week of work

It has been a wonderful trip so far.

My coworkers are wonderful, the programs we sell are wonderful, and honestly I’ve been having a ball!

I do have to brush up on quite a few things though, especially a lot of working on the programs that are being used. That and what our customers do, what they’re industry calls for and how to help them! I want to help, and I can say as an artist this program helps.

Gonna take time and work but I am ready to keep up as much as I can.

Also I decked out my desk with geek stuff and any company that is ok with that is fine by me.

And here we are

So we’re changing the format a little bit now. Still about me and caregiving, still about life, but now a bit more focused on me and mommy.

And today we had our lovely church picnic. It was super fun and we are both exhausted haha.

Should I change the name of this..?

I mean it sounds a little unfeeling but would that be just re branding this site?  Like if I made it to “ArtsieSteph’s Post Caregivers Journal” or something?  “ArtsieSteph’s Life Journal?” “ArtsieSteph: after caregiving?”  Hm….

Part of me doesn’t wanna change anything.  Me and Daddy came up with it, God lead us to what He wanted us to do with it.  But is this something I need to do in order to move forward?  Or just something I need to put a label on….?  To feel….better?  I mean it’s literally been a month.  Am I moving too fast?

Hm….

Things that make me angry

It seems that I’m starting to go through that angry phase of grief.  I keep finding myself become shorter tempered or more agitated at things that didn’t really bother me.  Little things seem to do it the worst, when I can’t tell myself to calm down because there is no one’s feelings to consider.

My computer doesn’t work right.  I wanna punch it.  Solicitors ask for dad, and I want to shout, “HE’S DEAD, UPDATE YOUR RECORDS.”  I do something wrong or incorrect, I kinda feel like smashing my fist against a wall.

It’s not so good.

Loss effects everything

Why is that?  I kinda hate it.  I know it’s true, but I wish it weren’t.

One of the ways that it tends to really hit you is your sense of reality.  There are small parts of the day where I assume dad is just gonna kind of come home.  I keep imagining that he’s gonna say, “Hey sorry I was late, what’s for dinner.”  Of course I this is the Dad that I see in pictures of family vacations.  But for some reason, some part of my heart wants that to happen.  It’s not going to until I see him with Jesus, then with a new body, but it still happens.  It’s kinda like all the stuff that I want to happen sort of trumps what I know is gonna happen…. a lot.

Relationships tend to get changed the most that way too much as well.  Some for the better, some for the worse, and some in a way that is unexpected and has to be sort of worked out I guess…. Me and mom are each other’s support right now, and just like dad I mess up and just annoy the heck out of her.  Stuff I do, don’t do, ect.  But at the same time, we lean on one another for strength when we miss daddy the most.  Nana has become a great source of comfort too, being almost like a tie to my father.  Though sometimes I wonder if that makes her a little sad too in seeing me all the time…

One way that I really did not expect to have such a hard time was in my relationship with Blain.  I love my Blain, and he loves me.  We’ve been talking about marriage for ages, way before daddy even got sick.  But for some reason, I couldn’t even think about that.  Whenever I would think about talking about it, or even going to my little pinterest board of wedding stuff….I kinda panicked a little.  Why?  And talking with him today, he was saying that he had some health problems that were happening and I sort of had a miniature crisis.  Blain has a lot of health problems, and I would be more than happy in my mind to help him through them because I love him so much.  But my heart panicked…..the idea of taking care of someone else….but I think it was deeper than that.  I mean it’s bad enough knowing daddy won’t be able to walk me down the isle or give Blainy his blessing, but it goes even deeper still.

I think it was the fear of me taking care of someone and having them die again.

This is ironic speaking that I have been considering for ages to become a caregiver or a nurses aid….I mean this is something I could run into.  But that really hits me so strangely.  I’m naturally an insecure person, so I figured I was letting other things in life effect me in this epiphany…..but I really do think it’s that.

I think loss is like having a broken part in a machine.  It’s a physical break, crack, deformity.  The machine still works, but it never quite works the same.

Am I getting over “losing” my purpose…?

It’s been getting harder for me lately…

I am sitting here, not feeling motivation.  Granted I forgot to take my medicine in the morning a couple times, so that could explain the loss of interest but…am I in the depression stage of grief?

When I was a caregiver, I had a very urgent and very specific reason to get up in the morning.  I had to make sure that I was up at a certain time, had to make sure that I had certain tasks done within a certain time frame, ect.  I was structured.  Now?  No structure.  Although I have been filling out applications to jobs, which I obviously need to do anyway, I just feel kinda…..listless.

I don’t want to do anything.  Play games, clean, go out, even go on the internet….I kinda am doing it out of practice but I really could care less about doing it.  Maybe it’s because I’m used to inhaling caffeine and I’m having withdrawls, maybe I’m still in the process of grief that I don’t really know until it shows itself, who knows.  All I know is I’m tired, and just…here.