Why is that? I kinda hate it. I know it’s true, but I wish it weren’t.
One of the ways that it tends to really hit you is your sense of reality. There are small parts of the day where I assume dad is just gonna kind of come home. I keep imagining that he’s gonna say, “Hey sorry I was late, what’s for dinner.” Of course I this is the Dad that I see in pictures of family vacations. But for some reason, some part of my heart wants that to happen. It’s not going to until I see him with Jesus, then with a new body, but it still happens. It’s kinda like all the stuff that I want to happen sort of trumps what I know is gonna happen…. a lot.
Relationships tend to get changed the most that way too much as well. Some for the better, some for the worse, and some in a way that is unexpected and has to be sort of worked out I guess…. Me and mom are each other’s support right now, and just like dad I mess up and just annoy the heck out of her. Stuff I do, don’t do, ect. But at the same time, we lean on one another for strength when we miss daddy the most. Nana has become a great source of comfort too, being almost like a tie to my father. Though sometimes I wonder if that makes her a little sad too in seeing me all the time…
One way that I really did not expect to have such a hard time was in my relationship with Blain. I love my Blain, and he loves me. We’ve been talking about marriage for ages, way before daddy even got sick. But for some reason, I couldn’t even think about that. Whenever I would think about talking about it, or even going to my little pinterest board of wedding stuff….I kinda panicked a little. Why? And talking with him today, he was saying that he had some health problems that were happening and I sort of had a miniature crisis. Blain has a lot of health problems, and I would be more than happy in my mind to help him through them because I love him so much. But my heart panicked…..the idea of taking care of someone else….but I think it was deeper than that. I mean it’s bad enough knowing daddy won’t be able to walk me down the isle or give Blainy his blessing, but it goes even deeper still.
I think it was the fear of me taking care of someone and having them die again.
This is ironic speaking that I have been considering for ages to become a caregiver or a nurses aid….I mean this is something I could run into. But that really hits me so strangely. I’m naturally an insecure person, so I figured I was letting other things in life effect me in this epiphany…..but I really do think it’s that.
I think loss is like having a broken part in a machine. It’s a physical break, crack, deformity. The machine still works, but it never quite works the same.