You ever have times when you kinda reach a weird level of calm during a hard situation? I’m at that right now. And I thank the Lord about the medications I’m on and His peace, but I wonder am I like…in denial of what’s happening…? Is it my coping mechanism to not care? Or is it that I know a good team is taking care of him better than I could?
….I don’t know….
Battles I could never have imagined are coming up. I don’t know if I’m ready. I feel like I’m gonna be destroyed. But God is and He will have the victory.
Been dealing with a big emotional and mental…trial I guess you could call it. When things are going bad with dad they go bad with me. Yesterday I was kinda able to joke and smile about it, which was nice. Today, at least the last few hours, not as much.
It’s kinda hard when you’re doing something to try and not think about the problems, yet you almost feel like you’re wasting your time. Like. “Yeah you’re feeling better but this is still going on.” I know brain. I know things are still going on, but you can’t sit down and just shake in the corner like a chihuahua. Though internally I may still be.
All you can do is trust God. Trust God. It helps to say that even though it may not in a few moments because my stupid tendency to panic in cycles, but God is still good no matter how many backflips your heart does. Doesn’t feel nice though.
I was born into a generation where when you have something happen to you, you complain about it. Either on the internet or via some other media. And whether you go into full detail or not is sometimes the balance of whether you keep your job or not. It’s really that bad that people feel the need to tear into anyone who “wrongs them” or has a different opinion.
Sadly I am no different – though I know to a certain extent not to vent my frustrations at a person passive aggressively via the internet – in that I feel better when I can get out what’s on my chest. And with this cancer? There is a lot on my chest. A lot.
But what amount of detail is needed? What amount of emotional purging is ok? Am I going about it in the wrong way, or is the best way to let myself word vomit all over the keyboard and then very tactfully edit what needs to be taken out? Honestly at this point I’m not sure.
So far, I have been of the mind that I need to be willing to have my thoughts be put here on a semi-public forum so that I don’t let myself become belligerent or unfair in my frustration. People are gonna see this. Potential bosses are gonna see this. I need to convey my words and emotions that are bothering me….and that’s it. No finger pointing, no “oh poor me” that I can tell, no unfocused anger at the world. Just say what needs to be said.
Obviously also, I need to let God be in every word. Because if I remember that He is reading this as I type, it’s a bit more sobering. Which is good.
Anyhow. All of this is to say that I’m glad God gave my dad and me the idea to make this blog, and I hope He has someone get some kind of something out of it other than just me. Because that’s kinda what matters more than my emotional release.
So how I keep managing to keep myself from getting the kind of support that is needed for this situation. So many people are praying but it seems like good Christian counsel and encouragement has been hard to find….
I’m so emotionally tired I’m too tired to sleep. But I know God is good and He is greater than anything the enemy throws out.
I know I’m not very good at poetry or writing but I’m going to give it a try.
I say a simple hello, you give me the sweetest poetry.
I give you a small token, you give me a rose of gold,
I give you simple words of comfort, you pray for me.
I call you a sappy nickname, you call me your princess.
When I say I love you, you ask how you could ever deserve me.
No my poet, my treasure, my care taker, my prince: I can never endeavor to deserve your love for me.
And I thank the Lord that He ever gave me you.
It may be the immune therapy, it may be diet change, it may be God just doing an instant miracle, but if happened and I’m TALKING ABOUT IT AS MUCH AS I CAN.