After the service

So.  It’s been a while.  And a lot of emotions.

It’s been a revolving door of family and friends coming to see us, which has made it so amazingly refreshing.  I felt isolated for quite a while, and I’m sure mom did too.  We would never say anything because we’d never wanna be anywhere else but where daddy was, but yeah…. Seeing her sisters, his brothers and cousins, all of them has been more than wonderful.  It’s all kind of bittersweet in a way though, because we do feel guilty that this reason for social contact is because…daddy is gone with Jesus…. It’s hard.  But it’s been good.  But not.  It’s weird.

I tried to look nice for daddy on the funeral, I’ll admit that little secret.  I got a haircut, put on makeup, wore a nice dress… I think mart of me wanted to kind of show that I could take care of myself.  That I’m gonna be ok and be able to make myself presentable and look like an adult…. Sort of a weird thing but…I guess that’s how the subconscious works sometimes… Day after I looked like a mess but pressure was off so I didn’t care haha.

social event

On the day of daddy’s service with 200 people in attendance.  That floored me.

We had family, friends, church family, but what shocked me (in a good way) was the amount of SRP employees that came.  Daddy had worked at Salt River Project for over 30 years, and had been in many departments and had made many friends along the way, and they showed up boy.  They showed up in droves.  And they were from both mom and dad’s side of the SRP lot too.  Previous bosses, co-workers, and friends all came.  And the flowers.  The amount of flowers that SRP workers had gotten for him was just….amazing.  Our church family came to our rescue as well.  Days before daddy passed away they were bringing so much food. Food, food, food, food for days, as well as providing a free reception for us after the funeral.

berevement food

But I have to say, what surprised me the most and warmed my heart was my sister and her in-laws.  Jenn was already here when daddy passed, but her in-laws came in all the way from New York to support her.  Like what!? Jenn’s mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and boyfriend (who fortunately live here already) and best friend all came to be by Jenn’s side.  And even ours!  It seems like sometimes when families are brought together after being from such different backgrounds, there can be a sort of unspoken tension.  Yeah that diminished a ton this week.  They hung out with us, they cooked for us, they just did so much.

THANK YOU.png

So yeah…it’s gonna be bittersweet and hurt.  But…it’s gonna be ok.  It’s gonna be ok.

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The day after

I can honestly say that the day after felt a lot different than the day of. I kind of thought that I was going to be all right and not have to deal with much… But I have an actually gone anywhere else yet other than the house and Starbucks.

The hardest thing seems to be sounds and feels. I’m a very tactile person, so feeling things like one of his old coats made me cry. I know that once were out of our little bubble back into the real world things will be even more difficult.

I got to go through some pictures today for the service, and that made me really happy to see those memories. It seems just like what my aunt Retha said, when it happened some things get better but some things also get worse.

My mother is now the sole breadwinner of the house, so only by the grace of God I’ve been able to look up some different jobs and apply for some today. I’m not quite sure if that’s not giving me enough time to grieve, but I do know that I may not get a job right away so I may end up getting more time than I realize.

Mom and Jenn are over at the mortuary for their little meeting of what the service is going to be, honestly I won’t care less what he wears or what they say about him or what pictures that they post on the board. I’ll just be happy to be there and be supported by all my family that I haven’t seen in a long time. Especially church family. They have been so amazing and this time, they even started bringing food already before he passed. For some reason this is funny to me: they’re bringing fried chicken tonight. I don’t know why that just makes me happy.

I am no longer my father’s caregiver.

At 4am this morning my father passed and went home to see Jesus. That is what I have to hope and believe. And trust God about.

So far we’ve had shock, tears, and silence, and we seem to be in the “things seem oddly normal oh hey where is dad is he out” stage.

This is gonna take a while.

Why am I seeking alone time right now…?

I have no idea why I keep going off on my own when I could be with dad. Why now?

I’ve been by his side through his sleeping, quiet time, vomiting, everything. So why is it that now I’m wanting to be alone and do my own things? Doesn’t he need me most? Isn’t he feeling scared and alone?

What I am doing? Why?

I will honestly say that all I’ve wanted in the past few weeks has been time to just sort of sit and do nothing. To do my own thing finally and relax. Is this not the worst time for it though? But it’s like it’s so crowded in there that it’s not really easy to just hang out with him in there. And if I did I’d probably be panicked every time he coughed. Which he has been doing a lot.

What is wrong with me? Why am I doing nothing?

Letting go of being full time in my father’s constant care

I can honestly say that wasn’t something that I was expecting to need help with.  I mean in a sense it still isn’t, I’m sitting here in the living room typing while mom and Jenn are at daddy’s side helping with the nurse.

But at the same time I still find myself wanting to do everything for him I did before.  Care, clean, prepare meds, get water…those aren’t my responsibility anymore.  They still are if the nurse lady needs help obviously but other than that….I’ve kinda been relieved of my duty.  So why don’t I feel relieved?  Why do I feel like I need to rush back in there right now because I’m ignoring or neglecting him?

I’m trying to make some kind of list to help the nurse have a schedule to go from but…it doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough still.

Daddy is coming home

His own house (kinda we’re renting), his own clothes, his own food, his kids there, and a 24 hour home nurse for him.

I’m feeling relief on some fashion that he has resources now and I’m happy about it.

Honestly I’m just so dang tired.

I’m not ready guys

I’m not ready for all the things that come with end of life caregiving.

Sleepless nights thinking of all the things you could have done better. The relief of finally being able to think of yourself for once, then the horrible crushing guilt that you would ever feel relieved at the fact your parent who raised you and loved you is dead. The memories of all the things they did right. The memories of all the things they did wrong. The little ways that you are just like them that make you smile, laugh, cry, rage. And the hurt. The hurt I will live with the rest of my life if God doesn’t do something. The feeling of hope that maybe He will but just not sure… All the little things they loved to. Places they loved to eat at. Little items that they fiddled with in their hands when they were bored. The way they wore their clothes. Their favorite blanket. They’re favorite cookie.

Guys. I’m not ready to lose my dad.

Starting to get that sarcastic angry stage

I am still online and talking to people, and sadly when they start to say things that are going wrong with them I want to snap back with “Yeah well my dad is dying.”

I don’t want to be that person and that seems to be what my brain is screaming right now. Oh wait I haven’t taken my pills today yet. That may help. Still…

In hospice

Not sure how long but I’m guessing it will be for a few days of assessment. You know…then if he does stabilize then he’ll be able to come home.

My daddy….

Daddy is going to hospice

There’s an inpatient unit by the house that we’re going to, don’t know how it’s gonna work but that’s the plan.

If they pump him full of pain killers…I may not be able to truly talk to him again.

I don’t know if when he passes away I can write in this. Or maybe I need to write more. I’m not sure right now. But at the moment I’m kind of at a loss.