Balancing everything

One thing that I’ve really been struggling with, both mentally and emotionally I guess, is the idea of balance.  I have none.  Like I try, but whenever I try to excel at one thing, another thing inevitably falls by the wayside.  I know it’s cliche, but that spinning plate analogy really hits the nail on the head.  So here are some of the lovely things I struggle with keeping up!

 

1.)  Housework

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I am a sedentary person at best.  And I either tend to have two modes of cleaning: light or panicked.  Most of the time the hardest thing, and hilariously the most enjoyable thing by far for me, is the dishes.  They just pile up so easily.  That and counter cleaning.  I never remember to wipe them, and dad has to remind me near every day.

2.) My health

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Literally the only exercise that I do/enjoy is Dance Dance Revolution.  Other than that, I never really exert myself in anything but cleaning.  I am prediabetic and eat like a child.  My dad is genuinely concerned, but I tend to feel no motivation to change any habits.  Which I hate and am ashamed to write.

3.) My social life

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At this point I don’t have one.  My socializing is done via the internet.  And that’s not to blame anyone or my own situation, because frankly I have a phone and could speak to anyone anywhere if I wanted to.  The issue is that I’m actually a sort of an antisocial extrovert.  I need people time but I also need me time, and often that balance is out of wack because of my own weird quirks and habits.

4.) Christian life

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I admit it, I always could be doing better in my walk with God.  Now I know for a fact that it’s your relationship with Him that matters, not how much you do of something.  But I still sometimes feel, once again, like a negligent friend to Him.  I know He will always be faithful and loving, which sometimes makes my lack of sitting and spending time with Him feel all the more mean.

5.) Not being negative

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As you could see, I am very critical of myself.  With care giving, that idea of “you’re not doing enough” can really amplify that self-focused negativity.  And to be totally honest, I have to just fight that.  Because it’s a really easy hole to jump into.

6.) My art

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I put this one really down low on the list because it tends to not really suffer much with all my time spent on dad’s ipad while he sleeps.  Marketing said art?  That takes longer.

7.) Taking care of dad

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I put this one last because it is the easiest, yet emotionally tough, things I do.  My love for my daddy makes it the first thing I’m willing to do, other than going on the computer.

 

So yeah.  Such is my life.

I guess I can kinda turn this into anything I want at this point

So when I first started this blog, my dad and I had this giant brainstorm of what it could be.  Basically the journal of a caregiver, to hopefully give hope and insight to other caregivers.  To become something that would help others going through the same things. And for the longest time I’ve tried to stay within those parameters.  I wanted to try and keep things upbeat, keep them positive, make sure there is some kind of take-away at the end of each post.

Then I get this from dad, “Oh this was more for you, and if people happened to see it then that’s fine.”

For some reason that kinda threw me for a loop.  I was like, “Wait, this thing can be about me?  I mean it is about me ad my journey so far, but more of a journal and less of a self-help thingy?”  Because I think that was more what I was viewing it as.  And hilariously enough, I had no idea.  Not til he changed the perceived lines that is.  Hilariously, I feel a lot more freed now.

Like a couple times I wanted to do some cool reviews of things I had been watching, but I was like “No I can’t do that on this blog because it’s care giving centric, and that has nothing to do with anything.”  But now I feel I can!

Or maybe it gives me more freedom to just kinda let myself fart out all my ideas as they come…?  Yeah I kinda speak like a 8 year old boy sometimes, so I warn you now.  Though admittedly I think I have a little more freedom to speak in my own voice, be it silly or whatever.

So yay!

 

Balancing what I think can do, vs what God wants me to do, or both

God has given me a lot of great talents, and I tend to enjoy my art one the most.  It’s what I went to school for, it’s what I do the most out of anything…. And I think maybe it could be something career related?  I don’t know.

The good thing about visual art is that there are a lot of different venues with which to make a “business.”  I think the hardest thing for me is being able to really commit to one specifically and put all my efforts into that.  I kind of have a “jack of all trades master of none” thing going on right now.

I have about 5 small stores with art prints that I have done hardly anything with other than a little advertising on my social medias, a patreon that I never post to, a Youtube where I started to make story videos but gave up because I kinda don’t want it to be about me, and this.  Plus several ads on freelancing sites for my art.

So it’s like I have a ton of tiny feelers everywhere, and I find myself saying “If I were famous I’d be making money” but I don’t want to wish for fame.  I want to make God famous, not me.  I think that “well if God is gonna be made known if you’re known then that will be good” but I still feel like that’s me justifying that want for glory.  So I really kinda don’t wanna have any “internet fame” but just something to support myself to make my daddy not worried about me if he passes.

At the same time, it’s like I can’t really commit to anything right now because I’m taking care of dad.  Not to say that I’d really even decide if dad was healthy with nothing wrong.  But I mean…..should I try and make some kind of basis for a business while a ll this is going on?  Would it be too much pressure for me without my realizing it?  Hm…..

Adulting.  It’s insane.

Wanting to plan things…when you can’t

Is it really ok to plan big life events, or at least the hope of said events, when you’re caring for someone whom you hope and pray won’t, but may pass?

So my boyfriend and I have spoken about marriage in the past.   We’re both pretty sure of the idea with one other…only problem is that we both live in different states.  We have a couple of trips planned to see each other this year, which is awesome.  Yet, our situations are so nebulous that we can’t really plan for anything solid. Even if we were both in Arizona it would still be tough.

I live with my parents, and the price of places to live here can be very high.  Also with daddy, my full time is indeed caregiving.  Also – and I pray God decides to not do this if it’s His will – if God decides to bring daddy home, I will not want to leave my mom by herself.  I think at that point I would basically become her caregiver of sorts.  We’d both have jobs, but you know what I mean.

Then there’s Blain’s own family, who all live in Oklahoma save for a couple of people he knows who actually live here in Phoenix.  But could I really ask him to leave behind the place he knew?  I’ve asked him before and he’s said that he is completely ok with that, but I still feel guilty about it I guess.

I will not lie, I actually have so much fun planning this stuff.  Because it’s not solid “planning” as much as seeing stuff on pinterest that is wedding related and going “oh hey that’s pretty!” and putting it in my little pile of “what if’s.”  But when it comes to sort of making concrete or very specific ideas, I find myself emotionally halted.  Like I can’t.  I just can’t.  Maybe because I don’t know what’s going on in our plans well enough to make it finalish, because part of me knows it ‘s just dreaming, or because I’m scared my daddy isn’t gonna be part of it when it does happen….

I guess the big thing is letting myself enjoy the distraction of it, but I can only go so far down the rabbit hole.  Otherwise I get a little sad….  And besides, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.   No matter what silly stuff I look up on the internet, it’s God being in my plans that matters.  And His timing too.

Ever have one of those days where you just don’t feel like doing…anything?

Maybe because I haven’t ever applied myself in a large overall sense, I’ve never had times where I was just…not in the mood to do anything.  Like anything at all.  Sure, YouTube videos and messing around on Pinterest pass the time, but I just….don’t wanna do anything.

I’m not saying I’m not doing work around the house, on the contrary, I’m actually doing more today in one day than I usually do.  Yet I still feel emotionally….unmotivated.  Does that make any sense at all?

I’ve honestly been worried, since that feeling of not feeling like doing much has kinda slowly been increasing over time.  It makes me wonder…am I depressed?  Not like clinically to the point I need medicine, but could it be that the malaise and disinterest of depression is starting to slowly creep in?  I hope not.

Maybe I just need a nap.  I don’t know.  All I can do is ask God to help me to move forward, buck up, and I guess do something fun.

Sorry about the small post, but it’s hard sometimes.

Got the “went through a lot of emotions this month” badge

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Can definitely say there have been highs, lows, and lots of stuff in between… But I really think that overall, everything that is happening is for not only dad’s betterment but mine,  We have been going over a lot of things that we never even thought to bring up before, and it’s been really healing. It’s been way difficult and a little painful, but good in the long run.

Trying to keep up the hope

I want to be my family’s joy.  Show God’s joy.

I think it’s something that we all deal with.  When something doesn’t go our way, we have a tendency to start losing faith in things.  Sometimes in God.  Little by little.  And with this situation, it’s hard to keep reminding myself of how things are going to be ok.

Yesterday dad got a PTI scan, which showed that they couldn’t see the tumor in his abdomen anymore on it when we could before.  That is a huge blessing, yet it seems overshadowed by the fact that all of us were praying for remission.  Maybe we’re all a little disappointed, I don’t know.  He still has “cancer spots” or activity of cancer cells in his abdomen, which means he hasn’t beat it yet.  And according to the doctors he may not.

They spoke about the immuno therapies, basically where you train your immune system to fight the cancer automatically.  This has a higher risk than chemo, because it can cause your body to just straight up shut down.  And since the chemo is still effective on dad, they’re gonna keep using it til it stops working.  He’s already had 10 successful rounds, there are some whose cancer mutated after 3 rounds.

Dad is the kind of guy that likes hard facts.  And he asked, if he had stopped chemo right then and there, how much time would these 6 months have afforded him?  According to the doctor, another 6 months.  This broke my dad.  He said that he was thinking these treatments were going to add years to his life, maybe decades.  And when he was told this, he got the “realization” that it could be months.

Dad thinks it’ll be a miracle if he lives past January.  And I don’t know how to get him out of that state of mind.  In a way it’s good because he thinks, as he has since his diagnosis, that every day is a gift.  Perhaps even more so now, but it comes with a sort of hardcore melancholy now, worrying about mom and me taking care of ourselves.

I guess the biggest thing is that dad always says, and it’s true, that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear.  And sometimes that means getting rest and going home.  I want my daddy to stay with me, but if it’s God’s will for him to go in peace then I hope that too.  At least no matter what, I know that I know that he is gonna be with Jesus.  I think that is my biggest comfort.  And also appreciating every single day that he’s here too.